The not-so-rosy part

A few conversations I've already had with friends have prompted me to write this entry. I feel like I owe it to our wonderful support system to help them better understand the situation we're going to find ourselves in when Eden finally comes into our family.

To start, here's a quote from an article I read on attachment in adoption:

...it is important to remember that while you have been waiting anxiously for your baby, your baby has not been waiting anxiously for you.

They say it so well. It's wishful thinking to let yourself go into this hoping your child will be happy to see you, that they're going to appreciate you coming into their life. Eden will be 20 months old when we meet her... a toddler with her own personality, her own memories and experiences. She will have already lost her birth mother, changed hands of caregivers at the orphanage, and then lost her foster mother. And in an instant everything she knows will be yanked from her and she will be alone (well, she'll certainly feel alone) with a bunch of strangers that talk different, smell different, act different from anyone she's known.

There's a family who adopted an 18 month-old girl from the same orphanage that Eden is from, whose story I've been following. In the midst of their daughter's grieving and all the heartache and pain it causes them, the mom makes the profound point that "it's not about me, it's about her." I love that. When I'm tempted to get frustrated, or feel sorry for myself if things aren't going well, to put myself in Eden's shoes and remember the incredible loss and trauma she's been through. She will need to grieve her loss, and it probably won't happen all at once but over time.

Part of helping her with that will be talking to her about what's happened, about her life in China and the people who've cared for her there. It will always be a part of her story and although I want her to come to love being a part of our family, I cannot pretend that her current existence in China didn't happen or is insignificant. We will always be open with her about how she came to us, giving her age-appropriate responses, and do our best to help her make sense of her identity. And we will love her with all our being and pray that at the end of the day she will feel loved.

On to more practical things...at the counsel of many who went before us, we're committing to only Paul and I being the ones who hold her, feed her, and care for her in any way, for at least the first few months she's home. She does not know as Malia knows, that a mommy is reliable and will always be there. To her, I am just another caregiver in her life, and I, too, may leave at any point. Many adopted kids upon coming home will go to strangers, or "mommy shop." They think, mommies come and go, so I'm going to choose my next mommy myself. It's a survival skill orphaned children develop and it gives them a sense of control in their out-of-control world. We have to help Eden learn that I am her mommy, Paul is her daddy, and we are not going anywhere.

We'll also be laying low for a while, even though it's not like I'm going to be recovering from giving birth or anything. Some of it is because we don't want to introduce too many new people and experiences to Eden when she's just had this big change in her life. It's also because she's not used to the things Malia was used to at 20 months: playdates, church and Sunday School, classes, being dragged along a parent's busy social calendar. Overstimulating her at this point will only be counterproductive to her adjustment and also personal development. We won't be hermits or anything, but we'll have to take things slow.

All this to say that parenting Eden will be quite different than our experience with Malia, and we are bound to struggle and make mistakes as we go. We will really need the support and understanding of our family and friends and we already know we can count on you guys for that. The laying low part will be harder on Paul, so give him some extra support! :)

The Countdown Begins!

We got our travel dates last Friday and are tentatively scheduled to be in China from May 21 to June 4! We didn't exactly scream it from the rooftops when we found out because we were actually a little disappointed that we didn't make it into the May 7 group. We had been praying we'd be in the May 7 group and had heard that the others who got their Travel Approval the same day as us were all going on May 7. So even though it's big news that we have our dates, we've had to get over the initial disappointment.

I've found that when I'm struggling with the absolute lack of control I have over this adoption process, or when I'm worrying about how Eden is doing and sad that I'm not with her, the act of worship is the only thing that gives me peace. I have to continually reflect on His character and greatness to put my world in perspective and be comforted. It's been good for me.

6 more weeks to go...

The Funniest Video Ever

This video is so hilarious, but it also has a nice side story about a family who adopted a young boy from Korea. This got over two million YouTube hits and got coverage on all the morning shows.

Travel Approval!

Wow. This last stretch waiting for our Travel Approval really tested us. After staying pleasantly optimistic about our time line for a few weeks, all the built up emotions finally overcame me last Friday. Unfortunately it happened while on the phone with the travel coordinator at our agency. When he didn't have any news for me, I very unexpectedly burst into tears while an uncomfortable silence hung on the other end of the phone.

I felt really sad all weekend, but it being Easter weekend also provided the opportunity to let my heart be ministered to. Even today before the news arrived, I was moving from struggling with God, to being comforted by Him. And then our news came! :)

We should be getting our exact travel dates in the next week, but it's most likely going to be in May sometime.

We're coming Eden!

Trend in China Adoptions

Many of you know that I am a China-watcher. I'm fascinated, mystified, impressed, and sometimes angry at the things I learn about the country once known as the "empire of heaven" (天朝). I came across the AP article below and, of course, thought of our own situation with Eden... the long wait (we still sit by the phone every day hoping it's word of our travel approval)... curiosity and some doubt as to whether the need for international adoptive parents is really lessened by more domestic adoptions and fewer abandonments... the special medical needs of a high percentage of the adoption-eligible kids, including Eden...

Most of all, any news about China or adoptions or anything even tangentially related makes me long to see Eden, hold her in my arms, start bonding with her, not skip these formative stages of her life.

As a Christian, this being Passion Week is obviously a big deal for us. It's a time for reflection on Christ's sacrifice on the cross. As I ponder that incredible act, I struggle to accept God's perfect timing. He knows my anxiety. He knows my longings. But it is in His good and perfect hands. Somehow, this week leading up to Easter has helped me be more at peace with that.

Most adoptions from China now special-needs cases (March 27, 2010, AP)
Starting in the early 1990s, and as recently as a few years ago, the large majority of Chinese children adopted by foreigners were healthy baby girls abandoned by their parents, often because of a preference for a son in a country rigidly enforcing a one-child policy. Between 1995 and 2005, Americans adopted more than 60,000 children from China. The peak was 7,903 in 2005. Circumstances have changed dramatically since then. China has eased its one-child policy, fewer baby girls are abandoned, domestic adoptions of healthy orphans have increased, and the waiting time for foreigners to adopt a healthy infant has tripled to roughly four years. As a result, U.S. adoptions from China have plummeted more than 60 percent, to 3,001 last year. And of the children now adopted, roughly three of every five have special medical needs.

For full article>> read

Pics of Eden!!!

I joined a yahoo group a few months ago for parents who've adopted or are in the process of adopting children from Eden's SWI (Social Welfare Institute). Through that I met a couple of women who run a non-profit called Dianjiang Kids International. Their purpose is to raise funds and awareness so they can improve the quality of life for the children at the SWI.

Well, we received a total gift today when these women took a trip to China to check on the projects they've funded. I had given them Eden's Chinese name and asked if they could possibly look out for her and let me know how she's doing. They did better than that. They sent me 4 pictures of her and said they have some video footage of her that they'll send to me when they get back to the States!

As we've been bemoaning in this process, we've gotten no updated photos of Eden other than her referral photos from last April, and not much information on how she's doing or whether she was moved into a foster home. Getting these pictures and knowing they saw her was such an unexpected blessing and answer to our prayers.

In their words, Eden was "shy, but oh so sweet"!

Malia's In!

So after having an unexpected epiphany this week, we've decided to bring Malia with us to China to pick up Eden. About a year ago, a social worker pretty definitively advised that we shouldn't bring a toddler with us on the trip, stating the distractions and busyness we would be consumed by and that young kids would do better at home with the full attention of a loving caregiver. After hearing his advice, I completely put out of my mind even considering bringing Malia along. It seemed the general wisdom was to leave the small kids at home.

Then, on the heels of the traumatic response Malia had when we left her behind for a 4-day board meeting in Utah that Paul and I had to attend, I began to worry more about how she would do while we were in China. I still, though, wasn't entertaining the thought of bringing her, just trying to come up with better distractions and enlist extra help for poor grandma.

But a few days ago I was discussing this with my mom, who we've asked to care for Malia while we're in China, and she simply asked me "You really can't bring her with you"? And I immediately went into the reasons that were imprinted in my brain by this point as to why we couldn't. But afterwards I thought, well why not really? So I called the agency to see if it was still a possibility and they basically said it came down to whether or not I could get Malia a passport and entry visa in time.

I also went on the Holt web forum and asked other adoptive parents their advice and experiences. The responses I got were all telling me to bring Malia! I had no idea because I never asked. They shared stories of how having their other kids there made the transition easier for their new child, and on the flip side allowing the kids to be a part of the trip helped them to accept the new sibling as well.

With each passing day Paul and I feel more and more peace that this is the right decision and we're so thankful God led us to this realization in time. Just in time! We just applied for Malia's passport this morning and we'll have just enough time to get it as well as her visa.

We are even more excited now to leave for China knowing how much fuller the experience will be for us as a family :)