The not-so-rosy part

A few conversations I've already had with friends have prompted me to write this entry. I feel like I owe it to our wonderful support system to help them better understand the situation we're going to find ourselves in when Eden finally comes into our family.

To start, here's a quote from an article I read on attachment in adoption:

...it is important to remember that while you have been waiting anxiously for your baby, your baby has not been waiting anxiously for you.

They say it so well. It's wishful thinking to let yourself go into this hoping your child will be happy to see you, that they're going to appreciate you coming into their life. Eden will be 20 months old when we meet her... a toddler with her own personality, her own memories and experiences. She will have already lost her birth mother, changed hands of caregivers at the orphanage, and then lost her foster mother. And in an instant everything she knows will be yanked from her and she will be alone (well, she'll certainly feel alone) with a bunch of strangers that talk different, smell different, act different from anyone she's known.

There's a family who adopted an 18 month-old girl from the same orphanage that Eden is from, whose story I've been following. In the midst of their daughter's grieving and all the heartache and pain it causes them, the mom makes the profound point that "it's not about me, it's about her." I love that. When I'm tempted to get frustrated, or feel sorry for myself if things aren't going well, to put myself in Eden's shoes and remember the incredible loss and trauma she's been through. She will need to grieve her loss, and it probably won't happen all at once but over time.

Part of helping her with that will be talking to her about what's happened, about her life in China and the people who've cared for her there. It will always be a part of her story and although I want her to come to love being a part of our family, I cannot pretend that her current existence in China didn't happen or is insignificant. We will always be open with her about how she came to us, giving her age-appropriate responses, and do our best to help her make sense of her identity. And we will love her with all our being and pray that at the end of the day she will feel loved.

On to more practical things...at the counsel of many who went before us, we're committing to only Paul and I being the ones who hold her, feed her, and care for her in any way, for at least the first few months she's home. She does not know as Malia knows, that a mommy is reliable and will always be there. To her, I am just another caregiver in her life, and I, too, may leave at any point. Many adopted kids upon coming home will go to strangers, or "mommy shop." They think, mommies come and go, so I'm going to choose my next mommy myself. It's a survival skill orphaned children develop and it gives them a sense of control in their out-of-control world. We have to help Eden learn that I am her mommy, Paul is her daddy, and we are not going anywhere.

We'll also be laying low for a while, even though it's not like I'm going to be recovering from giving birth or anything. Some of it is because we don't want to introduce too many new people and experiences to Eden when she's just had this big change in her life. It's also because she's not used to the things Malia was used to at 20 months: playdates, church and Sunday School, classes, being dragged along a parent's busy social calendar. Overstimulating her at this point will only be counterproductive to her adjustment and also personal development. We won't be hermits or anything, but we'll have to take things slow.

All this to say that parenting Eden will be quite different than our experience with Malia, and we are bound to struggle and make mistakes as we go. We will really need the support and understanding of our family and friends and we already know we can count on you guys for that. The laying low part will be harder on Paul, so give him some extra support! :)