The Odd Thing About International Adoptions

Adopting a child is not a political statement nor even a moral act. It's about wanting to become a parent first and foremost.

But with that being said, I do worry about two diverging trends. On the one hand, the number of orphans globally has been rising while the number of international adoptions is diminishing. The latter is not necessarily a reflection of there being fewer families who want to adopt, but more a result of geopolitics adding further hurdles for international adoption. The response by Russia to the now-infamous case of the Tennessee woman who sent her adoptee back to Russia is an example of this.

So even though this blog is really about sharing our personal stories, I do want to let people know about an important way we can advocate for prospective adoptees... in this case, allowing North Korean refugees to be adopted into American families. Here's how you can help (click this link).

One Month

On Monday it will have been one month that we've been a family. It feels like longer probably because of all the sleep that was lost :) But we've seen some signs of progress with Eden's adjustment that in the midst of second guessing myself constantly, affirm that we are doing something right.

*She definitely singles us out among strangers. When meeting new people or in a public place, she stays close and will often cling onto our legs.

*She's eating and sleeping much better. She'll pretty much go to sleep on her own in the crib with someone laying down on the floor beside her. Some nights she cries a little and then goes to sleep, some nights there won't be any crying. Her eating has gotten better, less picky, although there's still a lot of room for growth here. There still seems to be a control thing going on with her when it comes to food.

*Her and Malia will actually have fun together! Totally on their own without us trying to help them along. The other day they were sitting together outside and Malia was spontaneously laughing at nothing and causing Eden to laugh along with her. It was the cutest thing ever.

I (Eliza) am the one who's kind of hit a bit of a rough spot. Things started out pretty difficult for me in China, then got a little better when we got home, and now I'm finding myself struggling again. I was telling a friend today it's kind of like when someone makes a joke at your expense...when it's a good friend it's funny and you can take it because you have that relationship as a context for the remark. But if it's someone you don't know well, it's hurtful and offends because you don't know the person well enough to know where they're coming from.

I feel like that when Eden yells at me or pushes me away in a tantrum, or when she rejects food that I'm trying to feed her. I haven't gotten a read on her yet and it's hard to tell if her behavior is toddler-related, adoption-related, personality related. Often it can fall into any of those categories and it matters which one because there is a different course of action depending on it. Lots of adoption stories I've heard tend to be pretty classic examples of adoption-related behavior, which means you can make sense out of them and understand what is causing the behavior. But I just don't know with Eden, she has some of the signs adoption books described, but not consistent enough to form a coherent picture. So I end up taking her actions more personally because I can't find a way to explain it otherwise.

And I keep on thinking about the time we lost with her. How her past is such a mystery and how I wish we could've bonded with her as a baby. I know this is her loss as well, that she'll have questions one day soon that I won't be able to answer for her. And we'll have to work through it together.

And Now in this Corner...

The worst of the jetlag is over (mercifully!). We're all mostly sleeping through the night, even if our body clocks are still a little off.

All things considered, Eden seems to be adjusting well. She loves going to the park, playing in our backyard, and rummaging through all of the toy bins... which, until 3 weeks ago, were the exclusive domain of Malia. So the main entertainment (if you want to call it that) during the day is watching the two girls go at it. At different moments, it oscillates from total comedy to total headache. Mom and Dad are pretty much refereeing ever 15 seconds or so. Malia has learned the Chinese expression for "don't do that!" and chirps it at Eden all the time... We hope Malia will start showing that nurturing side we know she has and stop being so possessive with toys and things. This video clip gives a little glimpse of what it's like all the time in the Park home...

We're seeing a lot of good signs in Eden. She's not quite as picky about eating... or at least not as much as she showed in China. She enjoys hugs and kisses from Dad and now Mom, too. Dad had to go to work on Wed - Fri and Eden seemed to handle it without ill effects (although I absolutely cherished the big hug she and Malia gave me when I walked in the door from work).

Malia is also showing signs of better adjustment. Today on that same green chair in the video, when Malia saw Eden coming towards her, she made room for her little sister and even helped her get into the chair.

One gauge we are watching closely are Eden's tantrums. About 30 times a day, often triggered by very minor things, Eden will throw a temper tantrum complete with arched back, screaming, crying, and hitting. As I understand it, this is not uncommon for recently-arrived adoptees. We obviously are hoping to see less frequency, quicker recovery times and eventually the resiliency to find other ways to express herself without such intensity and rage.

One good friend asked me, "So when are you lifting the social quarantine?" I thought that was a funny way of putting it. We have had a few visitors, and we welcome them... with advance notice. One thing that might seem odd is that we will be the only people to hold Eden for awhile. From her perspective, she has only known us for 2+ weeks. The bond is forming, but we can't assume that she understand our permanent and unique place in her life as parents. We are following the wisdom of experienced adoptive parents who have suggested that, for an initial period of a few months, to take these small but significant measures to solidify the attachment between child and new parents. And as much as we are very eager to come to church as a whole family, we probably won't bring Eden to church for a few more weeks in order not to overwhelm her with too many new faces all of a sudden. But we are eager to see our church family soon, and Mom or Dad will be accompanying Malia starting this Sunday.

Thanks for all the comments and interest you are showing in our transition period. We are really enjoying being parents to our two adorable girls.

I Want to Stay on China Time!

We couldn't be happier about the medical news about Eden's palate. Now our immediate challenge is getting our two girls to get back to Pacific Time. Our days go something like this...

12am - Eden wakes up from what she thinks is just a nap. Malia is finally dead asleep.

3:30 - 3:45am - After much protest, Baba finally gets Eden to fall back sleep.

4:30am - Malia wakes up from what she thinks is a hybrid nap/nighttime sleep. Her day officially starts.

9am - Eden wakes up from her slumber.

12pm - Eden dozes off wherever we are... car seat or stroller. We move her over to the crib.

2pm - After an hour or more of restlessness and protest, Malia finally falls asleep for her nap.

2:30pm - Eden wakes up from her nap.

5:30pm - We wake up Malia from her nap to try to get her back on schedule.

8pm - Eden dozes off wherever we are... car seat, stroller or in my arms. We move her over to the crib.

10:30pm - After an hour or two of restless rolling around and constant pestering of Mama, Malia falls asleep.

12am - Eden wakes up, ready to party... and the cycle starts over again.

This is our wacky world right now. Compared to dealing with the prospects of multiple cleft palate surgeries, we'll take a little prolonged jetlag in the trade-off any day.

Here's an extended glimpse of what it's like to try to have a conversation with Eden... we think it's babble, but maybe some of you Mandarin speakers can help us discern if there are actual Chinese words being spoken... Malia tries to be interpreter for us...

Shock...and relief

After the news at the medical clinic in China that Eden's palate was fine, we were anxious to hear what the cleft team at Children's Hospital in LA would have to say. We were there yesterday and the plastic surgeon took one look inside Eden's mouth and said, "Yup, she's fine. No cleft palate."

Wow. It was obviously great news, but we were in disbelief. It says "cleft palate" in about 6 different places in Eden's paperwork and I've never heard of medical records being this inaccurate. If anything people worry about not getting full disclosure on their child's medical issues, but to have it the other way around???

We are soooo very relieved to have been spared the agony of the approx. 20 year commitment that treating cleft palate can entail. Especially for Eden's sake. But having prepared physically and mentally and emotionally to deal with it, it's still taking me by surprise and hasn't quite fully sunk in yet.

We're still battling horrible jetlag here, especially the girls. They're off of each other as well, so one of them is always awake, even in the middle of the night. Paul has to go into work this week and I'm pretty nervous about how I'll do on my own. A friend from church brought a meal over yesterday and it was a tremendous help! Not to mention good to see their faces :)

I've been able to spend more time with Eden now that Malia has gotten more used to sharing her parents and it's helping me connect with her a little more each day. Eden is getting used to our home and neighborhood as we've taken her on walks and to the local park. I really miss church and my normal activities, but I think we'll have to wait a bit longer before introducing more new things to Eden.

Malia is still struggling a lot and along with showing regressive behaviors has taken to testing us at every turn. This is a girl who got a time-out maybe once a month before, and now it's multiple times a day - and we let 90% of her misbehavior go since we know she's having a hard time. Poor thing. Hopefully with lots of love and affirmation from us she'll grow out of this phase soon.

We're thankful for all your support and care for us and we hope to see you all soon!

*oh, thanks Charlene for the tip about yogurt with veggie puree in it! Got some yesterday and will give it a try :)

Zombieland

Day 2 themes are the same recurring ones -- jetlag, Eden's picky
eating (which is a cause for some concern), and Malia's difficulties
making the adjustment to sharing everything with Eden. Right now
everyone is asleep after a rough night.

My Three Backyardigans

It's Hot! from Paul Park on Vimeo.

Chillaxing at Home

We figure that some of our viewership will have dropped off now that the big trip is over, but we will continue to blog about our initial transition period for those of you who asked for it.

We're home, and it feels good.

Jetlag for everyone and colds for Eden and Malia notwithstanding, we're all doing pretty well. Eden is showing no signs yet of longing for the familiar sounds, smells, and sights of China. Malia's collection of toys are providing ample fascination... The big challenge on Post-Trip Day 1 is refereeing between the two girls. This is Malia's turf, and coupled with jetlag-induced crankiness, she's ready to assert her territorial claims. Eden, for her part, is no pushover and ready for some hostile takeover. Mom is not looking forward to my first day back in the office when she will be left alone with these two.

We got a welcomed quick visit from a couple of dear friends, and an invitation by across-the-street neighbors to dinner (which we are eager to do soon)... we also found out that friends from church organized meals for us starting Monday. We are so very grateful for these generous and warm expressions of love and support. For these first few days, we're mostly planning to stay home and get Eden solidly acclimated to family and home before introducing her to too many new faces. We can't wait for everyone to meet her, though!

Here's a pic of Eden at breakfast with her two favorites -- bread and yogurt.

The Road Home

In just a couple of hours, Eden boards her first-ever plane to make the long trek to her new home. We pray it will feel like home very quickly.

Every day we learn more and more about Eden's personality, wants, likes and dislikes. She's usually the loudest person in the room, limiting us to busy, loud restaurants where we can sort of blend in. She gets a lot of looks of "you're so cute" while Eliza and I get the "do you know what you're doing?" glances. It probably has to do with our very non-Chinese ways of feeding and caring for her.

Last night she bumped her head on a column at a restaurant and she started to sob in pain. She ran over to me for comfort. We took that as a good sign, perhaps the first marker on the road to developing a secure sense of belonging in a permanent family.

It's been a long and exhausting trip. That being said, we won't soon forget this experience. There were two moments when I got unexpectedly emotional. The first was the first time all 15 families with our agency gathered together after we all got our adopted children. Around the room were beautiful kids, ranging in age from 1 to 12 and from many different provinces. Many, if not most most of them, had special needs - spina bifida, cerebral palsy, severe cleft palate, missing hand, deafness... I was just moved in that moment at the way the lives of these kids would profoundly change... and just praying that the adjustments to new families and new homes in places as far-flung as Nebraska, Iowa, Georgia and California would go smoothly.

The second was during our oath-taking ceremony at the US Consulate. Eliza thought it was a unremarkable event, but for some reason, it got me choked up. Maybe it was the official setting and the large room full of adoptive families and the moment to pause and consider the seriousness of the commitment we all were making. It was the culmination of a long process that officially began in 2008... but the seeds of it began long before that.

While in China, we couldn't view our blog (just email post only) so have not been able to read everyone's comments, but we are so grateful for the many wonderful expressions of encouragement from so many friends and family members... and for the prayers especially. We have been so strengthened and supported by you all. On the subway back from the US Consulate, one of the adoptive dads exclaimed, "The adoption journey now ends!" Almost as soon as those words came out of his mouth, we both exchanged knowing looks to each other... this brief 2-week sojourn to China may be ending, but the real journey is actually just beginning.

Welcome home, Eden Qinying. You are a part of our little family now... and through all the future joys and sorrows, through all the ups and downs of discovering your sense of identity as an adopted child... We promise to love you with our whole hearts.

Leaving China...

Tomorrow morning we're returning home. Or, in Eden's case, we're leaving home. We have mixed emotions as we think about this time together as a new family in China, and also how Eden will react to yet another change in her life.

So far we've been happy to see her laughing and smiling a lot, but it's tempered with the sadness of seeing her behave very independently at times. Behavior that indicates she inherently believes she is alone in this world. When she awakes prematurely she will get up and look around, see me, then lay right back down and go back to sleep, not interacting with me at all. When she's upset because she can't have something she wants or get her way, she pushes me away and throws a tantrum, not wanting anyone to comfort her. She will also go off with someone else in another family or a Chinese person who has taken interest in her, not missing me or thinking anyone is missing her.

Our relationship is primarily a utilitarian one for her right now, needing me to get a piece of food for her or hand her the toy she wants. I'm okay with that for now, and I know that there's a long road ahead of us of building connection and showing Eden what it means to be a family.

But as we've had time to process everything that's happened these last 2 weeks, we realize we have much to be thankful for. First of all for Eden coming into our lives and the opportunity to love her and watch her grow. Malia has also been a blessing to us on this trip and reminding us in the meantime of how fulfilling parenthood is. We've met some wonderful, wonderful families on this trip as well, people we'll keep in touch with. And we've all had pretty good health throughout. Overall a great trip  :)

Thank you all for your emails and comments (we've been able to see some of the comments, but not all) and just for rooting for us all this way. We can't wait to introduce you all to our newest addition!