One Month

On Monday it will have been one month that we've been a family. It feels like longer probably because of all the sleep that was lost :) But we've seen some signs of progress with Eden's adjustment that in the midst of second guessing myself constantly, affirm that we are doing something right.

*She definitely singles us out among strangers. When meeting new people or in a public place, she stays close and will often cling onto our legs.

*She's eating and sleeping much better. She'll pretty much go to sleep on her own in the crib with someone laying down on the floor beside her. Some nights she cries a little and then goes to sleep, some nights there won't be any crying. Her eating has gotten better, less picky, although there's still a lot of room for growth here. There still seems to be a control thing going on with her when it comes to food.

*Her and Malia will actually have fun together! Totally on their own without us trying to help them along. The other day they were sitting together outside and Malia was spontaneously laughing at nothing and causing Eden to laugh along with her. It was the cutest thing ever.

I (Eliza) am the one who's kind of hit a bit of a rough spot. Things started out pretty difficult for me in China, then got a little better when we got home, and now I'm finding myself struggling again. I was telling a friend today it's kind of like when someone makes a joke at your expense...when it's a good friend it's funny and you can take it because you have that relationship as a context for the remark. But if it's someone you don't know well, it's hurtful and offends because you don't know the person well enough to know where they're coming from.

I feel like that when Eden yells at me or pushes me away in a tantrum, or when she rejects food that I'm trying to feed her. I haven't gotten a read on her yet and it's hard to tell if her behavior is toddler-related, adoption-related, personality related. Often it can fall into any of those categories and it matters which one because there is a different course of action depending on it. Lots of adoption stories I've heard tend to be pretty classic examples of adoption-related behavior, which means you can make sense out of them and understand what is causing the behavior. But I just don't know with Eden, she has some of the signs adoption books described, but not consistent enough to form a coherent picture. So I end up taking her actions more personally because I can't find a way to explain it otherwise.

And I keep on thinking about the time we lost with her. How her past is such a mystery and how I wish we could've bonded with her as a baby. I know this is her loss as well, that she'll have questions one day soon that I won't be able to answer for her. And we'll have to work through it together.