The Odd Thing About International Adoptions

Adopting a child is not a political statement nor even a moral act. It's about wanting to become a parent first and foremost.

But with that being said, I do worry about two diverging trends. On the one hand, the number of orphans globally has been rising while the number of international adoptions is diminishing. The latter is not necessarily a reflection of there being fewer families who want to adopt, but more a result of geopolitics adding further hurdles for international adoption. The response by Russia to the now-infamous case of the Tennessee woman who sent her adoptee back to Russia is an example of this.

So even though this blog is really about sharing our personal stories, I do want to let people know about an important way we can advocate for prospective adoptees... in this case, allowing North Korean refugees to be adopted into American families. Here's how you can help (click this link).

One Month

On Monday it will have been one month that we've been a family. It feels like longer probably because of all the sleep that was lost :) But we've seen some signs of progress with Eden's adjustment that in the midst of second guessing myself constantly, affirm that we are doing something right.

*She definitely singles us out among strangers. When meeting new people or in a public place, she stays close and will often cling onto our legs.

*She's eating and sleeping much better. She'll pretty much go to sleep on her own in the crib with someone laying down on the floor beside her. Some nights she cries a little and then goes to sleep, some nights there won't be any crying. Her eating has gotten better, less picky, although there's still a lot of room for growth here. There still seems to be a control thing going on with her when it comes to food.

*Her and Malia will actually have fun together! Totally on their own without us trying to help them along. The other day they were sitting together outside and Malia was spontaneously laughing at nothing and causing Eden to laugh along with her. It was the cutest thing ever.

I (Eliza) am the one who's kind of hit a bit of a rough spot. Things started out pretty difficult for me in China, then got a little better when we got home, and now I'm finding myself struggling again. I was telling a friend today it's kind of like when someone makes a joke at your expense...when it's a good friend it's funny and you can take it because you have that relationship as a context for the remark. But if it's someone you don't know well, it's hurtful and offends because you don't know the person well enough to know where they're coming from.

I feel like that when Eden yells at me or pushes me away in a tantrum, or when she rejects food that I'm trying to feed her. I haven't gotten a read on her yet and it's hard to tell if her behavior is toddler-related, adoption-related, personality related. Often it can fall into any of those categories and it matters which one because there is a different course of action depending on it. Lots of adoption stories I've heard tend to be pretty classic examples of adoption-related behavior, which means you can make sense out of them and understand what is causing the behavior. But I just don't know with Eden, she has some of the signs adoption books described, but not consistent enough to form a coherent picture. So I end up taking her actions more personally because I can't find a way to explain it otherwise.

And I keep on thinking about the time we lost with her. How her past is such a mystery and how I wish we could've bonded with her as a baby. I know this is her loss as well, that she'll have questions one day soon that I won't be able to answer for her. And we'll have to work through it together.

And Now in this Corner...

The worst of the jetlag is over (mercifully!). We're all mostly sleeping through the night, even if our body clocks are still a little off.

All things considered, Eden seems to be adjusting well. She loves going to the park, playing in our backyard, and rummaging through all of the toy bins... which, until 3 weeks ago, were the exclusive domain of Malia. So the main entertainment (if you want to call it that) during the day is watching the two girls go at it. At different moments, it oscillates from total comedy to total headache. Mom and Dad are pretty much refereeing ever 15 seconds or so. Malia has learned the Chinese expression for "don't do that!" and chirps it at Eden all the time... We hope Malia will start showing that nurturing side we know she has and stop being so possessive with toys and things. This video clip gives a little glimpse of what it's like all the time in the Park home...

We're seeing a lot of good signs in Eden. She's not quite as picky about eating... or at least not as much as she showed in China. She enjoys hugs and kisses from Dad and now Mom, too. Dad had to go to work on Wed - Fri and Eden seemed to handle it without ill effects (although I absolutely cherished the big hug she and Malia gave me when I walked in the door from work).

Malia is also showing signs of better adjustment. Today on that same green chair in the video, when Malia saw Eden coming towards her, she made room for her little sister and even helped her get into the chair.

One gauge we are watching closely are Eden's tantrums. About 30 times a day, often triggered by very minor things, Eden will throw a temper tantrum complete with arched back, screaming, crying, and hitting. As I understand it, this is not uncommon for recently-arrived adoptees. We obviously are hoping to see less frequency, quicker recovery times and eventually the resiliency to find other ways to express herself without such intensity and rage.

One good friend asked me, "So when are you lifting the social quarantine?" I thought that was a funny way of putting it. We have had a few visitors, and we welcome them... with advance notice. One thing that might seem odd is that we will be the only people to hold Eden for awhile. From her perspective, she has only known us for 2+ weeks. The bond is forming, but we can't assume that she understand our permanent and unique place in her life as parents. We are following the wisdom of experienced adoptive parents who have suggested that, for an initial period of a few months, to take these small but significant measures to solidify the attachment between child and new parents. And as much as we are very eager to come to church as a whole family, we probably won't bring Eden to church for a few more weeks in order not to overwhelm her with too many new faces all of a sudden. But we are eager to see our church family soon, and Mom or Dad will be accompanying Malia starting this Sunday.

Thanks for all the comments and interest you are showing in our transition period. We are really enjoying being parents to our two adorable girls.

I Want to Stay on China Time!

We couldn't be happier about the medical news about Eden's palate. Now our immediate challenge is getting our two girls to get back to Pacific Time. Our days go something like this...

12am - Eden wakes up from what she thinks is just a nap. Malia is finally dead asleep.

3:30 - 3:45am - After much protest, Baba finally gets Eden to fall back sleep.

4:30am - Malia wakes up from what she thinks is a hybrid nap/nighttime sleep. Her day officially starts.

9am - Eden wakes up from her slumber.

12pm - Eden dozes off wherever we are... car seat or stroller. We move her over to the crib.

2pm - After an hour or more of restlessness and protest, Malia finally falls asleep for her nap.

2:30pm - Eden wakes up from her nap.

5:30pm - We wake up Malia from her nap to try to get her back on schedule.

8pm - Eden dozes off wherever we are... car seat, stroller or in my arms. We move her over to the crib.

10:30pm - After an hour or two of restless rolling around and constant pestering of Mama, Malia falls asleep.

12am - Eden wakes up, ready to party... and the cycle starts over again.

This is our wacky world right now. Compared to dealing with the prospects of multiple cleft palate surgeries, we'll take a little prolonged jetlag in the trade-off any day.

Here's an extended glimpse of what it's like to try to have a conversation with Eden... we think it's babble, but maybe some of you Mandarin speakers can help us discern if there are actual Chinese words being spoken... Malia tries to be interpreter for us...

Shock...and relief

After the news at the medical clinic in China that Eden's palate was fine, we were anxious to hear what the cleft team at Children's Hospital in LA would have to say. We were there yesterday and the plastic surgeon took one look inside Eden's mouth and said, "Yup, she's fine. No cleft palate."

Wow. It was obviously great news, but we were in disbelief. It says "cleft palate" in about 6 different places in Eden's paperwork and I've never heard of medical records being this inaccurate. If anything people worry about not getting full disclosure on their child's medical issues, but to have it the other way around???

We are soooo very relieved to have been spared the agony of the approx. 20 year commitment that treating cleft palate can entail. Especially for Eden's sake. But having prepared physically and mentally and emotionally to deal with it, it's still taking me by surprise and hasn't quite fully sunk in yet.

We're still battling horrible jetlag here, especially the girls. They're off of each other as well, so one of them is always awake, even in the middle of the night. Paul has to go into work this week and I'm pretty nervous about how I'll do on my own. A friend from church brought a meal over yesterday and it was a tremendous help! Not to mention good to see their faces :)

I've been able to spend more time with Eden now that Malia has gotten more used to sharing her parents and it's helping me connect with her a little more each day. Eden is getting used to our home and neighborhood as we've taken her on walks and to the local park. I really miss church and my normal activities, but I think we'll have to wait a bit longer before introducing more new things to Eden.

Malia is still struggling a lot and along with showing regressive behaviors has taken to testing us at every turn. This is a girl who got a time-out maybe once a month before, and now it's multiple times a day - and we let 90% of her misbehavior go since we know she's having a hard time. Poor thing. Hopefully with lots of love and affirmation from us she'll grow out of this phase soon.

We're thankful for all your support and care for us and we hope to see you all soon!

*oh, thanks Charlene for the tip about yogurt with veggie puree in it! Got some yesterday and will give it a try :)

Zombieland

Day 2 themes are the same recurring ones -- jetlag, Eden's picky
eating (which is a cause for some concern), and Malia's difficulties
making the adjustment to sharing everything with Eden. Right now
everyone is asleep after a rough night.

My Three Backyardigans

It's Hot! from Paul Park on Vimeo.