US vs. Korea vs. China

OK, so why China? As my sister-in-law (pediatrician extraordinaire) likes to say, "It's multi-factorial." For those of us who speak common English, that means there were lots of reasons.

Both because of my Korean heritage as well as my job in an international foundation, I have come to learn quite a bit about and develop a heart for the plight of orphans in other countries. Whenever I'd tell Eliza about some wonderful organization working with orphans in a faraway land, we'd both imagine bringing one of those children home one day.

But then we found out how much international adoptions cost. Typically, the expenses total in the five digits -- up to $30,000 - $40,000 or more. At first, we thought this was going to be prohibitively expensive.

Meanwhile, we started getting involved in a faith-based council that works with and supports the Department of Family & Children's Services (the government agency that administers the child welfare program) here in the Long Beach area. Our focus shifted to doing a foster-adoption here in Long Beach, a city and community we've come to care deeply about, despite all of its problems. [By the way, we also considered a private domestic adoption, but that too was quite expensive.]

Our first step was to get advice from people who had experience with foster-adoptions. Some of the stories were heartbreaking. We were told of one family who fostered a young boy shortly after he was born, cared for him for his first 10 months of life, and learned to love him as part of the family. Then a relative of the biological family came back into the picture out of the blue and was able to legally take custody of the child. Those are some of the risks of foster-adoption in the US.

But there are unknowns with any situation, so that wasn't enough to dissuade us. Much more significant was a piece of advice to us from an experienced adoptive mother of three. She told us not to alter the birth order. In other words, don't bring home a sibling that's older than Malia. For some reason, that made sense immediately to both of us.

And because you're much more likely to be able to get a child as young as a baby through certain other countries, we decided to revisit the international route. How did we overcome the cost issue? We basically decided to take a step of faith. We also learned of a few grant programs and nonprofits that assist families who are trying to adopt. There's also an adoption tax credit, which helps. So for the time being, we are putting some of our other projects on hold like our house remodel, and tucking the savings back under our mattress in preparation for this adoption.

The choice then was to find out which countries allowed for adoption of a child at a fairly young age. After considering a few other factors, we identified two possibilities -- China and Korea. Now as Korean-Americans, we'd seem like logical candidates to adopt from Korea, and we were quite open to it. Ultimately, however, we chose to go with China, even though we were going to face an extra hurdle -- the potential of a longer wait.

2008 was a year where lots of the Chinese bureaucracy put its focus on preparing for the world to see it host the Beijing Olympics well (which it did), but the consequence was felt by potential adoptive parents. The timeline for adoption went from approx. 2 years to 3+ years. The only way we could expedite this was to be willing to adopt a child with a health problem (in some cases correctible).

After some discussion and prayer, we both still felt drawn strongly to China. In her mind's eye, Eliza pictured a little Chinese baby girl and began to have her heart set on it. For me, a few trips to China for work solidified it for me. I've come to love China -- its people and culture. I was ready to become, in some ways, part-Chinese by virtue of bringing a child from that heritage.

So there you have it. It probably sounds like a convoluted story, but we're really excited about it. Now the trick is figuring out how to ease our little toddler, Malia, into the idea that Mommy and Daddy are going to be disappearing for 2 weeks, and then suddenly reappearing with a baby sister. I hope it doesn't traumatize her! But we think she's ready to be a big sis, and this little video clip is a good sign (you'll need to be friends with me on Facebook to see it).

Why Adopt?

Since Eliza has really been the one shepherding the process with our adoption agency, Holt International, she'll have much more to share on the milestones and pitfalls along those lines. I thought I'd share a bit about how we even got here in the first place.

Many people have asked us why we are adopting. We're still relatively young, and we seem to be able to still have biological children. What leads us down this path at this juncture in our lives? It's a good question, and the answer goes to the core of who we both are.

Quite honestly, it begins with something quite intangible... we just both knew, even before meeting each other and getting married, that we wanted to adopt. I remember a time visiting an orphanage in Korea in 1990, during my gap year between high school and college. All the kids at this particular place had special needs, most with very visible disabilities. I spent an afternoon holding one young boy, probably about 3 years old, and just feeding him in my arms. I cried the whole time. It wasn't just pity, although in the raw emotion of the moment, I did feel great compassion for him. I looked into his face, and I hardly paid attention to the cerebral palsy. I just wanted to connect with him, to give him some palpable sense that I loved him.

I wish I could say that I went back to that orphanage again and again. I didn't. The day wiped me out emotionally. What it did do, though, was put an indelible mark on me that has stayed with me to this day. I wanted to be an adoptive parent. I just knew that was my destiny.

Of course, as a Christian, I don't really believe in destiny. I believe in a God who is in control of all things, and I see now how He has orchestrated a lot of things to reinforce that heartfelt conviction.

One of those things was meeting Eliza. I remembering during our courtship, having the first conversation about my desire to be an adoptive parent. I was head-over-heels in love with her, but I was worried she didn't share my vision for how to grow a family. As the words came out of my mouth, I wondered to myself if this could become a deal-breaker. Thankfully, my fears were immediately put to rest, because Eliza nearly jumped through the telephone line in excitement. She had always wanted to be an adoptive parent, too! Suffice to say, it was a good thing we weren't physically together, or the shared passion of that moment could have been scintillating (ok, I'm grossing everyone out).

I can't ignore the role of theology, i.e., how I understand God. The Bible talks about "learning to do right, seeking justice, encouraging the oppressed, defending the cause of the fatherless, pleading the case of the widow." [Isaiah 1:17] What a wonderful thing to know that the God I worship also cares deeply about orphans! The Christian life is so rich when the head and the heart work in concert.

When we have more time, we'll write about one of our next most commonly-asked questions - why China?

I want to laugh at my last post now. The relief of completing the paperwork for Holt was short-lived. After getting through all the holiday festivities and meeting out-of-town friends, I finally decided to tackle the China Guidebook that Holt sent us. I went to the section titled "Dossier" so I could get a handle on the next wave of documents.

Oh my gosh.

There are 21 documents, forms, and letters, 18 of which need to be notarized, certified, and authenticated. One big piece of advice if intercountry adoption is anywhere in your mind: make sure you have all your citizenship and other vital records in order and in your possession. Paul became a naturalized citizen through his parents before he was 18, but never got a Certificate of Citizenship. He now has to apply to get one for our dossier, even though he has a passport to prove his citizenship. The application itself to get the certificate is 5 pages long and takes about 6 months to process.

It's hard at times like this not to get really discouraged. It gets hard to see past all the logistics of adoption and see our child. Please pray that we remain hopeful and steadfast.

A Big Load Off!

We finally sent off our big stack of paperwork to Holt yesterday! After spending a couple nights grinding away, we finished our Personal Data forms. Those questions were not easy and took some thought to answer. That big yellow envelope represented so much time and effort, I sent it certified mail even though we weren't required to do so. I just had to be able to track it and know that it got there.
Last weekend was our first session of parenting classes that Holt offers and I was surprised at how helpful I found it. I just didn't know what to expect at first, but it ended up giving us a lot of information and advice on how to talk about adoption with our child and with other people. They also shared a lot of stories on what they have observed makes a child successfully bond with their new family and also walking us through some of the issues an adopted child may face.
A couple we go to church with was also at the class and is going through the adoption process with Holt as well. It's such a blessing to do this with them for lots of reasons, but at the class I became especially thankful that our adopted children will know each other and not feel like they are the only adopted kids in the world.
Next step is to go through our Country Guidebook, which for China is about an inch think and reminds me of the readers you used to get in college for some of your classes. It will give us all the information we need about our dossier.

How we got started

The idea for a blog came actually out of frustration. Paul was thousands of miles away on a First Fruit trip and we had just sent in our adoption application to Holt International on October 3, 2008. Holt got in touch with us right the next week and wanted to go over the process on the phone, having to conference in Paul from Vietnam. The entire overview they gave us was instantly overwhelming and I (Eliza) was especially anxious since Paul was away and there were so many decisions to make and things to discuss.

A few days later I told Paul how overwhelmed I was and he suggested that we start a blog. It would be a therapeutic sort of thing, to journal about our thoughts and struggles going through this process. It would also be a means of support so we can share with close friends what our prayer needs are.

But in starting this blog, I also thought it could serve another purpose. To maybe demystify the adoption process a little bit in case there was someone who may be interested in adoption but not sure what it entails. I was definitely in that place a couple of years ago.

It may not be the smoothest transitions from logistics to emotional reactions, but I'll do my best :)

• Oct. 3,2008. Sent in application for adoption ($200)
• Oct. 17, 2008 Conference call with Holt, Paul and I. Received that day emails containing info on parenting classes we are required to take, forms for fingerprinting and criminal background checks (FBI and State of CA), child abuse registry checks for every state you've lived in since 18yrs (four states for Paul, this was a pain), request for copies of marriage and birth certificates, and an invoice for the Home Study fee ($2900)
• Oct. 30, 2008 After receiving our Home Study fee we got another email containing even more forms! Employment verification form, financial statement form, medical reports to confirm we are in good health (for China they also require a notarized physical examination by your doctor for your dossier. Dossier is all the forms, pictures, and documents that serve to represent your family to Chinese officials), and the kicker, a 16-page Personal Data Information Form where you answer all sorts of questions about yourself and your life.

So that last email was over a month ago and we are still not done with the forms. I just went to the doctor yesterday to get my physical and Paul goes on Friday. And we haven't touched the Personal Data stuff yet! I just signed up for parenting classes offered by Holt for next weekend where I'll get two out of five of the series completed.

One last important mention for this post. After sending in our application and learning that the timeline for adoption from China was running 3-4 years right now, we heard about the Child of Promise option that cuts the timeline to a year to year and a half when you are open to a child with minor/correctable medical issues. I, who NEVER has made time to read a book in at least 2 years, happened to be reading Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder about a doctor who overcomes tremendous obstacles and opposition to bring quality medicine and care to very poor countries. It made me think about diseases and ailments that in America are relatively simple to treat, but in developing countries where resources are scarce it can mean death or a lifetime of hardship and pain. Reading about this doctor's story readily put me in the mindset to want to adopt a Child of Promise and I shared with Paul what I was thinking.

Paul was still abroad traveling and needed more time to think and pray over it. A few weeks later he was in Hong Kong for a conference and on the plane read a story in Holt's newsletter about a family who adopted a girl with cleft lip and how she has blessed their lives. That plus spending the week in China and Paul came home ready to go with the Child of Promise option! It encouraged me and reassured me that God was with us in this and would continue to lead us every step.

It's Official

Our little family of three is about to grow.

For those of you who have known us well, this comes as no surprise. We have begun submitting paperwork to bring home a baby sister for Malia from China.

There will be many, many unknowns throughout this process. It's both exciting and scary. In the end, though, we really feel called to do this.

The idea of "calling" is such an opaque, sometimes nebulous concept... especially when you try to explain it to someone in plain English. It's more than just a feeling in your gut... although that's part of it. It's more than using the "adaptive unconscious", as Malcolm Gladwell puts it in his book, Blink. It's feeling a sense of peace that you're doing what you were made to do... It's experiencing deep-seated joy in living out that sense of calling, even when the going gets tough... It's knowing that God is smiling down on you as you take each step of faith.

We know not every family would want to embark on something like this, nor do we feel like we're any braver nor nobler nor more virtuous than any other couple. We simply believe this is what we are called to do, and we are so very delighted to think about bringing home this child and loving her to the fullest extent a parent can love a daughter.

Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, we've requested a girl. :)